The ways of evil cut so deep. I need you Lord to come inside and gently break my heart.

I should just start off with a confession: I am in the library right now and by all means, I should be studying for my test I have to make an A on Monday. BUT, here I am. Blogging. In the library. At least it looks like I'm being studious, right? 

So anyways, I used to do this thing where I would write notes to myself. Sounds weird, but bare with me. I would write notes to my future self about how I was feeling, the things I was learning through experiences, and things that I wanted my future self to always remember. Important things. I would also write things down that I knew would encourage me on rough days. Days when I was sad or insecure or when nothing was going as planned. I used to do this all the time, especially when I was trying to recover from my eating disorder and everything else that was going on. I guess really it was more of a journal. Anyways, I brought a lot of these letters to college with me, just in case I ever had a bad day or needed to be reminded of what I had gone through to get where I am. I was going through those notes today and I found one that I had forgotten all about. It said:

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to start all over again. I’m taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I’ll court her.I’ll give her bouquets of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope. She’ll respond like she did as a young girl…” Hosea 2:14-15

 For those of you who don't know what the book of Hosea is about, it basically relates Israel's relationship to God as the relationship of a husband and wife. Except the wife hadn't been faithful to the husband. I guess what I like about this verse is that fact that it tells me no matter what I do, no matter how bad I mess up, God still wants me. He wants all of me and he wants me to be faithful to him. He wants me to love him and lean on him when I feel sad or when I feel insecure and he wants to lift me up. And this verse is as true as it is inspiring. Even though I messed up and made a mess of my life at that time, God was willing to start over with me and form a new relationship with me and make me new again like I was when I first came to him. That's a huge thing. Not many friends or husbands will take you back after you mess everything up. After you ignore them. After you neglect the relationship. This isn't to say that this all comes easy, it doesn't come easy at all. In the verses before this one, God describes how he is going to break Israel and they are going to be judged and pay for the sins they have committed. We all have to sit down at a table of consequences at one time or another for our sins, but that isn't to say God doesn't love us or that he's given up on us. Just like a parent, God will punish us because he loves us and in the process he will renew us and lift us up. He will take our heartbreak and give us hope and I am so thankful for a God who see's past my actions and my pride and looks into my heart to see my true intentions. 

I should probably go study now....

Time Flies

Today was a very good day. 
We all got together and had dinner at Ben's house, which was nice. We got to have a real meal and it was delicious! And then all the girls just sat outside and talked and told stories to each other while the boys played basketball. We've all been so busy with school and spring sing that we haven't just talked with each other in a while, so it was nice. We talked about all of the things we have said we were going to do this semester that we have yet to do. And then it dawned on all of us.. We only have two weeks left. Most everyone will be going overseas next semester to study abroad so we'll all be so far apart and in different time zones. There won't be any "Sonic run?" texts ten minutes before curfew. No dorm pranks because there is nothing else to do in Searcy. And definitely no "study" parties in Sara and Em's room when we all know that is the least productive place at Harding. We won't all be reunited until January, which is sad. I've never met such amazing girls in my life as I have met here and became so close with people so quickly. While I'm excited for next semester so that I can meet the girls that I will be spending the next four years with and graduating with, I'm also sad that I know things won't be like they are now with the people I have became friends with. That's enough nostalgia for the night though. :) 
On a lighter note, Amanda is going to hypnotize Sara and Meredith Thursday night after her Organic test. How exciting is that? We're pumped! 
Anyways, have a lovely evening, and don't forget to appreciate all God has blessed you with! 

Love Love Love. 

Can we fix it? Yes HE can.

Let me just start by saying that my life has been crazy the past three months. The good kind of crazy though. School has recently started dominating my life. Lately it's one massive test after another. I feel like my teachers get together and discuss test dates so that I always have something to study for. Then there's Spring Sing. It's over now (And we won!), and I can't figure out whether I know have my life back or whether Spring Sing was my life. Oh and that whole sleep thing, which isn't working out very well. 
Anyways, today I was studying for my massive Bible test I have to take tomorrow and I had a very interesting realization while I was studying. Throughout the Old Testament it seems like Israel and it's people mess up a lot. I mean A LOT. Not just like tell a little lie every now and then, they seriously mess some junk up. I mean, they worship other Gods, they forsake the God that brought them out of captivity, then sin over and over again, and it seems like they repeat the same things that brought them destruction before. While I was studying I seriously just stopped and thought "Were these people complete idiots?" I mean, did they not realize that they were doing the same stupid things repeatedly and that it would always end the same? Why didn't they just trust God and obey him? Things would have been so much easier. 
Then I put everything into perspective. How many times have I done the same stupid thing and reaped the same destruction on my life? All too often I put my trust in money, possessions, friends, parents, etc. and it ends the same every time; God takes away my crutch so that I have to trust in him. It seems like there are a lot of times that I don't just trust God with my life and my situation even though he's brought me through so much junk. There are even times when, like Israel, I don't obey God and deliberately go against what I know is right and according to his will. I don't know about you, but it's not too often that I get subtle hints like this to realize I'm messing up. I usually don't take the hints, it usually takes a full on road block in my life for me to realize I've messed everything up and only God can fix it at that point. Today was somewhat a breakthrough for me, I've been messing up and I've been falling short. I'm beginning to make the same mistakes I've made before and they will always reap the same result; failure. 
Who would've thought I could learn life application skills by studying for bible?